Have you ever fallen in love with one of your best friends? I think it is something that happens once to almost all people. It seems to be a popular them for books and movies so it must not have happened just to me. In fact it happened to me in more ways then one and let me tell you, neither way is fun at all. What I meant by that is I have been both the victim of being the one who has fallen AND the one who was fallen for. I don't know which I prefer because both were very brutal. I think I actually preferred being the fallen one because in deed it was painful, BUT I was the only one hurting and frankly, I feel better hurting myself then I do when I cause someone else pain.
I have had this on my mind lately and I am not sure why. I think one reason is because I have dreams about this secret love sometimes. It is always weird and even in my dreams I can't tell him how I feel. Of course I am married so I am not saying I am still in love with him but it is easy to phrase it that way. Before I go on with that I wanted to write about being on the other side. It was one of the most painful and awful experiences in my life.
I had a best friend named Jared. We were really close. We did a lot of things together. Talked on the phone for hours, wrote each other letters, did nice things for each other....gave presents. It did not occur to me when we first started to become close that there was more in his eyes then just friendship. You know that saying, "You can't help who you fall in love with"? That is also true on two different levels. One being the obvious. Two, is the fact that you can't choose who you WANT to fall in love with either. Let me explain: He was my best friend, I loved spending time with him, I loved talking to him, I loved writing him letters, I loved him...but not in the way that he loved me and it tore me apart just as much as it did him. Maybe he sees it another way but I wanted so badly to love him back the way he wanted me too. IN fact, for a while after he told me he loved me, I TRIED to love him in this way. Unfortunately, I didn't and it broke my heart along with his. I am so glad that he was a wonderful person who didn't let this get in the way of the friendship. I guess that is one way of knowing how strong the friendship really is. If someone confesses their love but it is not returned and you can continue being friends without things changing, you were meant to be friends! I actually think it made our friendship even stronger. Maybe I am diluted in saying that but from my point of view that's how it was. It was a very painful experience and I wish so badly I could take that hurt back from him. I am so glad he is married and found someone who loves him like she does! I just wanted him to be happy. Honestly. And it killed me that I couldn't be the one to do that for him. Instead, I caused him pain and it hurt like Hell.
It is funny how I went from victim to culprit. It happened very fast and I was head over heels before I knew it. At first it was a huge crush that seemed to turn into love in the blink of an eye. We weren't really friends when I let the crush sink in and before I knew it, we were spending a lot of time together and I was screwed! He had taken my heart and I was completely unaware. The worst part was, that neither was anyone else. I kept it a secret and it nearly killed me. Even my best friend Myra was not informed. I didn't want any one to know. I was certain he didn't feel the same and I really didn't want it to ruin our fast growing friendship. Before I knew it I was with him constantly. He became almost as a big brother to me in the public eye, but deep down inside, I wanted to jump his bones! :) Sounds strange and twisted I know, but I can't explain it. Every touch, every hug, every look, every smile sent chills up and down my spin and practically stopped my heart. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want everyone scrutinizing my every move and I definitely didn't want him finding out. So I buried it deep inside and it cut like a knife. I am a talker and not getting to talk about it with my friends was agony.
One time him and I were up late talking and he was really depressed. He looked right into my eyes and asked me why he didn't have a girlfriend. He asked me why he was so repulsive that no one would want to date him. He looked me right in the eyes and wanted the truth. He was turning to a friend who he thought would give it to him straight and he was right. I told him how wonderful he was! We hugged and I told him how much I loved him but he didn't realize how I meant it. It was my one chance but I was too terrified at the outcome that I couldn't do it. I left his place knowing there wouldn't be another opportunity like that one. I cried myself to sleep.
On another occasion him and I were up late talking again. This time it was me who was depressed and I was telling him about a boy who was hurting me. Again, this was a night that stuck with me as a painfully awful one. I had another chance to come clean but I was in too much shock to do so. Let me explain. After telling him about my situation with this other boy he proceeded to tell me why I was a sucker. He told me all about how I went looking for guys who were Assholes on purpose. he told me I choose guys that would hurt me and abuse me. He didn't understand just how ironic his assumption was. In fact his words were hurtful! And he was right in a way. At that exact moment in time I was in love with someone who was hurting me, HIM. Someone who was being a complete Asshole. HIM. I never told him how I felt. I was too hurt at the moment to even tell him just how upset he made me. How much his words hurt. Did he honestly think I liked feeling pain? Did he really feel like that's the type of person I was? Obviously, he was right about something...and when he left I spent another night crying into my pillow.
I often wonder what would have happened had I told him. Would he have freaked out and kept his distance? Would he have told me he loved me too? Would he have rejected me but stuck around to be my friend and have it strengthen our friendship like it did with Jared. I will never know and I think it worked out better that way.
Often he still comes into my dreams and it is always nice too see his face and relive our friendship. We don't talk much any more and it breaks my heart because at one point in my life he meant everything. I really do wish I could tell him how wonderful I thought he was just so he knew he wasn't a loser or a loner. He just didn't see that desperate look in my eyes that longed for him to kiss me. I have since found the love of my life and am so glad I don't have to hide any more. Hiding is the worse thing you could do. So to all of those souls out there who have ever fallen for a friend, I completely sympathize. Do yourself a favor and don't let fear rule the relationship. You owe it to them to let them know how you feel. Who knows, it could be the start of something truly amazing!