Green Bag Update

I am loving my new green bags I got at Sams Club. One of the reasons is because they are sooooooooooooooooo big that I get to make TWO trips from thecar to my huose now instead of ten. One to get my purse and the kids in and another for my two green bags with ALL of my groceries! WOO HOO

Best Friends

Have you ever fallen in love with one of your best friends? I think it is something that happens once to almost all people. It seems to be a popular them for books and movies so it must not have happened just to me. In fact it happened to me in more ways then one and let me tell you, neither way is fun at all. What I meant by that is I have been both the victim of being the one who has fallen AND the one who was fallen for. I don't know which I prefer because both were very brutal. I think I actually preferred being the fallen one because in deed it was painful, BUT I was the only one hurting and frankly, I feel better hurting myself then I do when I cause someone else pain.

I have had this on my mind lately and I am not sure why. I think one reason is because I have dreams about this secret love sometimes. It is always weird and even in my dreams I can't tell him how I feel. Of course I am married so I am not saying I am still in love with him but it is easy to phrase it that way. Before I go on with that I wanted to write about being on the other side. It was one of the most painful and awful experiences in my life.

I had a best friend named Jared. We were really close. We did a lot of things together. Talked on the phone for hours, wrote each other letters, did nice things for each other....gave presents. It did not occur to me when we first started to become close that there was more in his eyes then just friendship. You know that saying, "You can't help who you fall in love with"? That is also true on two different levels. One being the obvious. Two, is the fact that you can't choose who you WANT to fall in love with either. Let me explain: He was my best friend, I loved spending time with him, I loved talking to him, I loved writing him letters, I loved him...but not in the way that he loved me and it tore me apart just as much as it did him. Maybe he sees it another way but I wanted so badly to love him back the way he wanted me too. IN fact, for a while after he told me he loved me, I TRIED to love him in this way. Unfortunately, I didn't and it broke my heart along with his. I am so glad that he was a wonderful person who didn't let this get in the way of the friendship. I guess that is one way of knowing how strong the friendship really is. If someone confesses their love but it is not returned and you can continue being friends without things changing, you were meant to be friends! I actually think it made our friendship even stronger. Maybe I am diluted in saying that but from my point of view that's how it was. It was a very painful experience and I wish so badly I could take that hurt back from him. I am so glad he is married and found someone who loves him like she does! I just wanted him to be happy. Honestly. And it killed me that I couldn't be the one to do that for him. Instead, I caused him pain and it hurt like Hell.

It is funny how I went from victim to culprit. It happened very fast and I was head over heels before I knew it. At first it was a huge crush that seemed to turn into love in the blink of an eye. We weren't really friends when I let the crush sink in and before I knew it, we were spending a lot of time together and I was screwed! He had taken my heart and I was completely unaware. The worst part was, that neither was anyone else. I kept it a secret and it nearly killed me. Even my best friend Myra was not informed. I didn't want any one to know. I was certain he didn't feel the same and I really didn't want it to ruin our fast growing friendship. Before I knew it I was with him constantly. He became almost as a big brother to me in the public eye, but deep down inside, I wanted to jump his bones! :) Sounds strange and twisted I know, but I can't explain it. Every touch, every hug, every look, every smile sent chills up and down my spin and practically stopped my heart. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want everyone scrutinizing my every move and I definitely didn't want him finding out. So I buried it deep inside and it cut like a knife. I am a talker and not getting to talk about it with my friends was agony.

One time him and I were up late talking and he was really depressed. He looked right into my eyes and asked me why he didn't have a girlfriend. He asked me why he was so repulsive that no one would want to date him. He looked me right in the eyes and wanted the truth. He was turning to a friend who he thought would give it to him straight and he was right. I told him how wonderful he was! We hugged and I told him how much I loved him but he didn't realize how I meant it. It was my one chance but I was too terrified at the outcome that I couldn't do it. I left his place knowing there wouldn't be another opportunity like that one. I cried myself to sleep.

On another occasion him and I were up late talking again. This time it was me who was depressed and I was telling him about a boy who was hurting me. Again, this was a night that stuck with me as a painfully awful one. I had another chance to come clean but I was in too much shock to do so. Let me explain. After telling him about my situation with this other boy he proceeded to tell me why I was a sucker. He told me all about how I went looking for guys who were Assholes on purpose. he told me I choose guys that would hurt me and abuse me. He didn't understand just how ironic his assumption was. In fact his words were hurtful! And he was right in a way. At that exact moment in time I was in love with someone who was hurting me, HIM. Someone who was being a complete Asshole. HIM. I never told him how I felt. I was too hurt at the moment to even tell him just how upset he made me. How much his words hurt. Did he honestly think I liked feeling pain? Did he really feel like that's the type of person I was? Obviously, he was right about something...and when he left I spent another night crying into my pillow.

I often wonder what would have happened had I told him. Would he have freaked out and kept his distance? Would he have told me he loved me too? Would he have rejected me but stuck around to be my friend and have it strengthen our friendship like it did with Jared. I will never know and I think it worked out better that way.

Often he still comes into my dreams and it is always nice too see his face and relive our friendship. We don't talk much any more and it breaks my heart because at one point in my life he meant everything. I really do wish I could tell him how wonderful I thought he was just so he knew he wasn't a loser or a loner. He just didn't see that desperate look in my eyes that longed for him to kiss me. I have since found the love of my life and am so glad I don't have to hide any more. Hiding is the worse thing you could do. So to all of those souls out there who have ever fallen for a friend, I completely sympathize. Do yourself a favor and don't let fear rule the relationship. You owe it to them to let them know how you feel. Who knows, it could be the start of something truly amazing!

FIBER

Oh please be careful when trying to diet. I have been trying so hard to be good and not over eat. Yesterday I overdid it and screwed myself. The second I got up I was starving. I tried to eat normal though. One bowl of cereal and then a banana a couple of hours later. For lunch I had half a grill cheese and an apple. That was pushing it. Then I was drinking fiber water and had a fiber one bar for a snack at about 4ish. I was still starving. Between trying to clean, do laundry and prevent Kayla from screaming, it was almost 8 when I had dinner. I had a head ache by then and was dizzy, not to mention grouchy! I had made home made wheat pizza and ate the WHOLE thing over a period of two hours. DOH! On top of that, I did a fiber overload! I am so glad that so far today my tummy hasn't rebelled against me and the fiber. I seriously probably had about 50 grams and which if you read my other blog about dieting is about twice the recommended amount for women. I learned the hard way that if you are hungry just eat! There is no sense in starving yourself because it will catch up with you. And hopefully the fiber won't catch up with me too....

Shampoo AND Conditioner

I never understood Shampoo that had conditioner in it because to me it was never the same thing. I hated using these and pretty much never used them unless I had too. While I was in Utah my mom had some she got from Avon and I borrowed it. I kind of liked it so I ordered some for myself. My mom uses it all of the time. While she was here in Texas she asked me to buy some for her and my dad to use. I did so and I ended up using it to and loved it. It doesn't always make my hair wonderful or anything like that but I have been using it as a time saver. I have sense decided that it HAD to be invented by a mother. Probably a single mother who had absolutely no time to shower and needed to get her hair washed AND conditioned in the least amount of time possible. So, it has become my best friend. :) I certainly need the extra time and more often then not, Kayla is crying half way through my shower or Tyler is asking me to put something on the tv for him and doesn't understand what "just a minute" means. Which brings me to my next point: HOW IN THE HECK DO YOU TEACH KIDS PATIENCE? Yeah, I know, SHOW them patience. I am a pretty darn patient person actually but these last couple of months it is so hard. Tyler does NOT understand how to be patient and the more I try and help him understand, the more crazy it makes me and the less patient I get! It's awful! So how do we teach them if patience's is required and the more inpatient they get, the more impatient YOU get!? Seriously, i want to know if anyone has any ideas because being home alone with my kids this week and for the next couple of months is making me the most impatient mother EVER!

I have had a couple of blogs in my head over the last week BUT I have had no time to write them down and have since forgotten. I think now was a bad time to start a second blog! haha But at the same time, maybe it was a good time. In another week or two i might need an outlet after being alone with two kids for that long. I just pray Sunday will go much better then this last Sunday! Especially since this Sunday is Mother's day. How ironic is that?! Happy Mother's Day! You get your kids for 3 months all by yourself! Lucky me.....I would have rather gotten some flowers. HAHA I love my kids to death and wouldn't trade them for the world, I promise but it is tough being alone with them ALL the time. I just hope to have an okay day and not have to be upset with Tyler again. Here's hoping...

She Ain't ALL Bad ( Going Green )

Okay, Okay so I have been giving Oprah a hard time lately. Her shows aren't all bad though. Yesterday she had one that was pretty interesting. It was a woman who had cut herself cooking and didn't know she had a flesh eaten bacteria on her hand that got in the cut and ultimately in 60 hours almost took her life. It was so bad that while she was open on the operating table, the surgeons culd actually watch it spreading from her arm to her right breast. They had to cut her right arm off along with her right breast and a bunch of muscle and skin tissue. The skin across her body where the scar is so thin in parts that often the bone breaks through the skin and bleeds! YUCK! It was so awful looking. You had to feel sorry for this woman. Something that Dr. Ooz ( whom I happen to just adore ) touch on for a minute was very important stuff that I feel like he should have gone further into but didn't.

Our bodies have bacteria but guess what folks? THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO! There is good bacteria and bad bacteria. One of the things that is so severely wrong with some of the products that we use every day is that it is all anti-bacterial. You see the word anti-bacterial and think, "Oh good it kills bacteria!" You would be right! It DOES kill bacteria, even the GOOD kind. The problem with this is that if it is killing 99.9% of bacteria ( which means the good and the bad ) you aren't left with any good kind and you can catch the bad bacteria even easier. Do you understand what that means? Half of our cleaning products now a days say anti-bacterial on them. Soap, cleaning wipes, and most people carry around anti-bacterial gel in their purses to clean their hands after eaten or getting dirty. This is not a bad thing if done every once in a while but most people who use it use it on a daily basis. Most use it multiple times a day. That means you are killing ALL the bacteria many times a day. This is bad. I used to use cleaning wipes for my kitchen that were anti-bacterial until I learned this. They said that they killed the flu virus and 99.9% of all bacteria which I thought sounded like a good thing. That is how they get you to buy it. DON'T do this people. Wash your hands with soap that does NOT have the anti-bacterial ( if you can even find some because it is almost impossible! ) soap. Use cleaning products that do not have this in them. Clorox makes cleaning wipes now for kitchens and bathrooms and what not that are biodegradable and are not antibacterial. They are the green kind. I have heard some stories recently ( thanks to Cody ) that the Clorox brand of green products aren't as green as they say they are because of some of the chemicals they put in their products. Even with this bit of information thrown at me I told Cody, "The wipes I use are still biodegradable which helps!" Living green is hard if you don't have lots of money but there are so many products out there to help us now that it is becoming less and less expensive for us to do.

We were at SAMS Club on Saturday and they had green bags 2 for $2.50. I decided to buy two and once I got them home and opened them up, I wish I had bought one or two more bundles of them because they were HUGE and seemed very sturdy. This is one of the things I am doing to try and change the world. Unfortunately there are so many more things that need to be done but I am trying. Also I started recycling card board and plastic which is a great help.

Something else I learned from Oprah that was a BIG shock to me? I watched her Earth Day show ( which wasn't nearly as good as last years but still interesting ) and I learned that they have recently found a certain type of Whale that has started to develop breast cancer!!!! SHUT THE HELL UP! SERIOUSLY! This is why going green is so inportant! All the CRAP we use in our products like PBA in bottles and the things we use in lotions and shampoos and what not that gets washed into our oceans are effecting our animals! This is no joke people. All those out there who say going green won't effect the Earth now are crazy! Whales getting breast cancer is concern enough for me to be taking things more seriously. I am on a mission to try and get parabens out of my products since this is something that they feel is linked to breast cancer. I encourage everyone who reads this to think about what we put on our bodies and into our water supplies. That is all for now...

Explain please

I will NEVER, ever understand why people smoke while pregnant! Maybe I need a smoker to explain it to me but it just doesn't make sense. We have a neighbor who has a 8 month to 1 year old. Not sure exactly how old she is. We don't talk to them and they haven't lived there long. The mom is fairly skinny and I notice she has a pretty visible baby bump. First of all, I could never have babies THAT close together. Secondly, the next day I noticed she was smoking on the front porch! What is wrong with people?! One time there was a Walmart employee outside of Walmart, with her uniform still on and everything and was VERY pregnant, standing outside smoking. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I am not even sure what else to write about this but I had to get it off of my chest. I just don't understand. And I certainly wouldn't be smoking in a public place if I were pregnant because I would have been SOOOO embarrassed that I was such a selfish person who couldn't control my habit enough to not do it for 9 months.

Babies are such precious gifts. Why even CHANCE it? Is it that worth it and why do it if it can kill you as well? I don't understand it. I know plenty of people who smoke and I think it's disgusting. One time I had to kiss someone in a play I was in and he was a smoker. It was awful! He tasted of it ever time and I dreaded doing the scene with him because I felt like I was putting my mouth in an ash try. But who cares if a grown up decides to smoke? What pisses me off is that a grown up is deciding for the infant. The poor infant doesn't even have a choice. The infant gets to be born addicted to nicotine! Bastards!

Let's Talk About Sex

WOW! I just started the “Having the Talk” Oprah show and just 4 minutes into it I had to pause it so I could write the things that were going through my mind and making my blood boil. First off, Doctor Laura whatever her name is seems to be basing her information off of people who come to her for help. HELLO! Of course they are going to have sex issues, she is a SEX THERAPIST! She claims that if women talk to their daughter s about self stimulation and owning their own bodies they are less likely to give up their virginity to the first guy who makes them feel good. OKAY, I do not even know where to start with how wrong that statement is. My mind is swirling thinking about all the things that I was taught growing up. Let me just hold off on what I have to say for one more minute. Dr Laura also said that so many women who come to her with problems about not enjoying sex and finding out how to orgasm were not taught about self stimulation and that’s what led to the problem in the first place. It was also implied that it was old fashioned to not teach our kids about masturbation. Oh come on!

Here we go, whatever happened to teaching our kids about RESPECTING their bodies! I was taught that my body is a Temple and we shouldn’t defile it. I was taught that sex was supposed to be between a husband and wife. I was also taught that self stimulation was not appropriate. Guess what folks? I was a virgin when I got married! I also have no problem finding pleasure in sex and I am not embarrassed by sex and can talk about it freely. Was it hard to not give in to the temptation that sex before marriage brought? Heck yes, but I respected myself enough and respected my future husband enough to not give in. Dr. Laura’s reasoning behind the self stimulation was that if we did so and knew what pleasure felt like and how to do it for ourselves; we would be less likely to give it up to the first guy who made us feel good. Um, I COMPLETELY disagree with this statement. I feel as though, if you self stimulate and get used to that feeling, you are MORE likely to want to feel it again and give it up to someone and regret it Also that you are more likely to let them do it because it no longer feels like a big deal or feels like you are doing something that is wrong.

I understand that many will disagree with what I am saying. That’s fine. I am not saying that what I believe is for everyone but I just hate when people, especially on TV or famous people who have such a strong influence on kids lives, make a generalization such as Dr. Laura did. She made a statement, which was more of an opinion really, and made it sound like medical facts. That irritates me. So I am just trying to express my opinion on it. So again, why not teach our kids MORALS and not self stimulation? What is so wrong with MORALS these days? It seems there is a HUGE war going on between what people call morals, and old fashioned ways. I am sorry, but waiting until you get married to have sex isn’t old fashioned, it’s MORAL. That is what is wrong with our world today! No body teaches morals any more and the ones that do are called old fashioned and made fun of. I love my husband SOOOOOOOOOOO freaking much and I LOVE having sex with him. Growing up hearing that sex before marriage was wrong, had absolutely no impact on MY sex life or me being able to enjoy it. In fact, I believe that it make sex that much more special for me and my husband knowing we were the only ones who got to experience that with each other. I do NOT regret it in the least bit and feel like my husband and I have a stronger connection because of it.

I have lots more to say but for now I will start with the second part of this particular subject. Oprah had two 14 year old kids on her show who said they loved each other and were ready to have sex. FOURTEEN PEOPLE! On top of that they said they had been dating for a while which turned out to be THREE MONTHS! One of my shortest relationships was 3 months. Also, they said they had already done everything but have sex. Oh my gosh. When I was 14 I was barely going to church dances and I had my first kiss. It astounds me that at 14 years old they think they are ready for sex and had already done everything but have sex. Now here is where I have to give Dr.Laura some props because she asked the kids and I find it highly ironic that I call them kids without even thinking about it and they think they are ready for such a big step, but she asked them some very important questions. I felt so sorry for the 14 year old girl who was obviously upset at the end of the show as she wiped some tears from off of her face while smiling and trying to pretend like everything was okay. And she thought she was ready for sex?!?! Sex is such an emotional thing to go through and especially having it for the first time. For those who did not see the show the kids ( there is that term again haha ) were asked if they thought about what happens if they get pregnant. The girl said she didn’t want to think about it. Hmmmmmmmmmmm…..then they were asked how long they planned on staying together AFTER they had sex. This is where it gets interesting. The boy said, “I don’t know, 6 months?” The audience started laughing ( nervous laughter if you ask me ) and then he looked at them and said, “What do you expect, it’s high school?” WOW! If you ask me, I think that is where the girl lost interest. She had a romantic picture in her head about being with him forever and having sex with him being special and how she couldn’t get pregnant because it just wouldn’t happen to her. I honestly suspect a huge fight and break up after the show.

Another thing that got me was that the mom’s were on the show too and were against them having sex but yet one of the mom’s bought them condoms. She said she was afraid that they would do it any ways so she wanted them to be protected. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. First of all, teach them about being moral and abstaining from sex all together. Secondly, 14 year old KIDS shouldn’t have the opportunity to have sex! I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 and even then it was supposed to be double dates only. How were 14 year old kids able to do “everything but” have sex in the first place. Maybe if they had some adult supervision they wouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place.

Honestly I could go on and on but I think I will stop while I’m ahead. Really all I wanted to get across with this was that I was taught sex was sacred and to do it before we were married was wrong. NOT SEX ITSELF WAS WRONG. I think that’s the big thing to remember. Also I was taught that self stimulation was not appropriate and guess what? I was still able to keep my pants on and my legs closed even when some guy made me feel good about myself. I understood where the line was and was able to not cross it. I was a horny girl too, so if I could do it ANY ONE can! Haha Haven’t you heard about those sex-crazy red heads? Well, I am one of them! So teach your kids MORALS and pray they follow them. That’s all folks…

PS if you had sex before you were married I am not saying you are immoral, I am simple stating what I learned and how I grew up and I am just trying