Dear Bug

To the Bug who is currently taking up residence in my home and biting me and my kids while we sleep or are not paying attention:

YOU ARE A MONSTER!

Sincerely,
The Witch who lives here

PS  If I find you, I WILL kill you and feel no remorse.  BE AFRAID!  BE VERY AFRAID!   

Cakes MMMMMMMM

This weeks photo Theme on Trendy Treehouse was CAKES.  I was really into decorating for a while but never did much with it.  It was making me fat!  haha  i wanted to post pictures of the cakes I made Cody, which is funny because he doesn't really like cake or frosting.  I was worried someone would get upset and think they were not family appropriate so I decided not to link up to it but I still wanted to share them here with y'all especially since I have not been posting much lately.  So check these out and have a laugh.

He had been in Kuwait for three months and had just come home!  Another time he was gone I made him a cake that said, "Welcome home...Now get NAKED!"  I can't find the picture or I would post it.  Enjoy 

Embarrassing Moment

I thought I would add my blog to the NEW FRIEND FRIDAY over at the Girl Creative. Their topic today was most embarrassing moments. Mine is a BIG one!

So a few years back before I was married, they were doing a blood drive at my church. I had never given blood before. I decided it would be a good thing to do. I wasn't terrified of needles or anything so really there was no excuse not to. Well, on the way to the church building my sis and I realized we hadn't eaten lunch yet. That was a BIG mistake. So we went through a drive through. Mistake number two was I ordered a tiny salad. Mistake number THREE, my sister is TINY. She only weights 115 pounds which is basically the minimum amount you HAVE to weigh in order to give blood. When we were in high school the seniors were doing a blood drive and she didn't weigh enough to donate. We made fun of her ALL day. "Kim, you sure you weigh enough?" "Kim, you better not pass out." "Kim...." Well, you get the point. ALLLLLLL day long. Karma is a bitch, let me tell ya.

We get there and sign in. They test our iron and apparently my levels are enough to donate. By this time I had to pee. If you know me or my family we have to pee ALL the time. We never went on road trips as a child and I assume it was a combination of never having a reliable car and our SMALL bladders.

Any ways. I sit there for ever it seems like with the needle in my arm waiting for them to tell me I am done so I can pee. I mean really, HOW LONG CAN IT TAKE TO GIVE BLOOD. It took at least 20 or so minutes of torture. They tell me I am good to go sit in the snack area and have some juice and cookies. Really, I just wanted to pee. I sit at the table and my sister starts to say something to me. I remember her saying, "These cookies are actually really good..." and by the time the sentence was done I was GONE! I had blacked out. ME. All 150 pounds of ME ( HA I only WISH I still weighted only 150! ). There was a man walking by right when I fell out of my chair and he caught me luckily. My pants were not so lucky. I PEED! Seriously? At church, with people all around that I knew and would see on a regular basis after this. When I came too and realized what had happened and that I had peed I was mortified! I felt like someone was on a loud speaker yelling, "Clean up on isle 13!" While someone grabbed a mop and mopped up my pee. YIKES. Seriously worst moment ever!

So remember that Karma thing and PEE BEFORE YOU GIVE BLOOD!

Valentines Day suggestions

If my last Valentines day suggestion of the "sex pillow" wasn't for you, let me suggested a few more for you. There are all for adults just so you know. Our first Valentines day together we were newly married and BROKE! We had NO money and I didn't even have my license so I was at a lose of what to do for Cody. I knew I could try and make him something but even that was a challenge. I was looking at all of my craft stuff, which at the time wasn't much and then I saw a Victoria Secrets catalog and started flipping through it. Then inspiration struck.....sorta. I started picking up the really sexy outfits in the magazine and gluing them onto paper. Then I took pictures of me and cut my face out and pasted them over the models. It was hilarious. The other day I was flipping through some of our stuff and I found them! I thought I was gonna die laughing. SO I thought I would share so you could get a laugh too. So here are a couple of the ones I did for him




I thought I scanned more then just two, but I guess not! haha Any ways. Cody thought this was pretty funny and I love looking back on them now. They make me laugh. I love making memories when you try and create stuff. Now this was a silly suggestion that will get your husband laughing. If you want to get him excited you can do something else I did for my husband. I bought a calendar from the dollar store. I bought one of those little ones that practically fits in your hand but still looks exactly like a regular calendar. I took sexy pictures of myself and printed them at home, cut them up and I became the center fold on every month! Be as sexy or unsexy as you want. I did some sexy pictures and some pictures that I just thought were good pictures of me. He loved it! I mean what guy wouldn't like that right.

Another idea if you have a traveling man like myself is to buy a pillow case and some t-shirt transfer. I again, printed out a bunch of pictures but this time I did ones of the whole family. Some of my son by himself, some of our daughter by herself and then some mix and match ones of everyone together. I put them all over one side of the pillow case. THEN on the OTHER side I did one huge sexy picture of me and then a bunch of other ones around the center one. That way my man can have the family side up in the hotel and then at night he can flip it over and drool all over my sexy pictures and hopefully have nice dreams. I have done other things in the past but I am drawing a blank for now. Hope this helps someone or at least makes you laugh at the pictures of me as a Victoria Secrets model. : )

Valentines Day Dirty

Okay so EVERYONE in the crafting blog world is making all these cutesy valentines stuff. Lots of hearts and lace and pink sparkly things. I am not really that girly. I have been WAY more since I had my girl but even then, pink is usually a little too much for me still. I wanted to make something for my husband that wasn't cute or girly. I actually wanted to make him something dirty. I bought a hanging plaque from the dollar store and was going to paint him a sign to hang on the door of our room. I figured it could be a "Come in" or "Don't Come In" kind of thing and I went from there. My brain works in strange ways. So then I was thinking, "What would a boy want on Valentines day?" Dumb question right? They want sex. So then I was thinking, boys always complain that they never know when girls WANT to have sex and when we don't. Now I have something.....SO this is what I came up with

After using the plaque for something else, I decided maybe I would try embroidery. I had never done it before so I looked at some videos on line. I ended up making a pillow that let's my man know when he is getting some and when he isn't.


NOT GETTING SOME


GETTING SOME

So what do you think? I still need to sew it closed so don't pay too much attention to the side that is still open. haha

Ugliest Skirt EVER

So I wanted to make a skirt to do house work in. I NEVER thought I would like cleaning house in a skirt until I tried it and it was amazing! It feels so free...I have never looked back, except when it is cold because then I get goosebumps and my already hairy legs get even hairier. Any ways. I found a tutorial that I wanted to do. Basically you just take a sheet ( because then it is already hymned at the bottom ) and you make sew it together, fold it over and put in some elastic. Yup. that's it...so I wanted it to be flowy...you know, since I would be bending down and squatting and what not, so I decided to double my waste size.....Yup, doubled. It sounded like a good idea at the time. I had a flat sheet that is the ugliest sheet you have ever seen. Someone gave it to us when we got married. If it was you, THANK YOU! Don't be offended because I DID repurpose them instead of throwing them in the trash or let's say, burning them.

Any ways...back to the skirt. It is the UGLIEST skirt ever and I FREAKING LOVE IT! It adds at LEAST 30 lbs to me because it is SO HUGE and has SO MUCH volume its comical! So here is me in a normal skirt


Tyler had me holding his golf club for some reason...

And here is me in THE skirt




I swear I am NOT pushing my stomach out. I think it even makes my face look bigger haha Here is the funny thing about this skirt. I told you I do house work in it which often times involves bending over. which means THIS



I mean seriously...who wants to see that or better yet "get with" that? I won't even go outside in this skirt to throw trash away, that's how bad it is but my wonderful husband...he sees me bending down in this skirt and he still gets all hot and bothered. I guess that's when you know it's true love. Well, that or the fact that he is a guy and can get turned on from almost anything....but I am PRETTY sure it is the true love thing!!!

Do you watch Friends? Do you know the episode where Monica is sick and she is trying to convince Chandler she is still sexy? "What, you don't want to get with this?" she says in a nasally voice while awkwardly fondling herself. Cody and I do that all the time. That is how I feel in this skirt. The fact that my husband still wants to have sex with me after seeing me bend over in it is freaking hysterical, even to me....the one bending over in it.

Pay Backs A Bitch

I love having kids because you get to pretend you are a taking a picture of them




When in reality you are taking a picture of THIS




I HAD to get a picture of the inmate washing the Sheriffs car! I mean come on!?!?! Pay back is definitely a bitch!

Heavy Petting

It is no secret that I LOVE the dollar store. In fact, I LOVE anything cheap. haha I LOVE Big Lots and places like that. When Cody and I were dating I would go to the dollar store in Cedar City a lot. One time I found this book called "Heavy Petting; Romantic Advice From My Cat" I about died! The book was so funny and they had about 3 or 4 of them so I bought ALL of them. I gave one to Cody as a present. heehee

Every time I find it and read it, it makes me laugh. I wanted to share it with everyone. I accidentally skipped a couple of pages. Sorry. ENJOY